Through Gritted Teeth #39: José Mourinho II, “Once More, With Feeling”

by Jack Lang

Lost Football Musicals: The Hamit Altintop Rocky Horror Stockholm Sydrome Experience

Hamit Altintop, our mercurial protagonist, his been lured into the smoky boudoir of one José Mourinho; the most scheming heartbreaker to grace Spain since Italian sweeper Casanova ended his loan spell with Villarreal in 1745. In this scene, José attempts to convince young Hamit that his transfer from Bayern Munich to Real Madrid was anything other than a mistake of Byzantine proportions …

JM Hey, Hamit…

HA Yes, José?

JM I’ve got something to say.

HA Uh-huh?

JM I really loved the skilful way you nutmegged Lass in training today.

HA Oh, José!

JM We saw you were cheap and we panicked. (Hamit!)
Transfer policy? No, we don’t plan it. (Hamit!)
We also tried bidding for Pjanić. (Hamit!)
I’ve one thing to say and that’s dammit, Hamit, I love you!

We know it’s a treacherous habit. (Hamit!)
Now our squad is the size of a planet. (Hamit!)
If there’s one fool for trade, then I am it. (Hamit!)
I’ve one thing to say and that’s dammit, Hamit, I love you!

Here’s a start to prove that I’m no joker!
(Copa del Rey against Celta Vigo…)
I’ll pair you up with someone mediocre.
Oh H-A-M-I-T and Fernando Gago.

HA Oh, it’s nice to feature on matchday. (José!)
I’m playing wide left, and it’s OK. (José!)
You must value me more than Drenthe. (José!)
I’ve one thing to say and that’s José, I’m crazy for you too!

Oh, José!

JM Oh, dammit!

HA I’m crazy…

JM Oh, Hamit!

HA …for you!

JM I love you too…

Together There’s one thing left to do…

JM And that’s go see the man who began it. (Hamit!)
Pérez, and his chequebook of granite. (Hamit!)
Gave you the contract, said “scan it.” (Hamit!)
Now I’ve one thing to say and that’s dammit, Hamit, I love you.

Dammit, Hamit…

HA Oh José, I’m crazy!

JM Dammit, Hamit…

Together I love you!


Jack, when he’s not singing into his hairbrush and dancing around the kitchen writes about Brazilian football for more places than we have room to list, as well as his own Snap, Kaká and Pop! He is also the genius behind Games Against Nature, and can be found on Twitter here: @snap_kaka_pop.

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